If I could do it over...

My son is 3 1/2. The time goes by so very, heartbreakingly fast. I feel like I've missed so many moments that I can never get back. I found this online & I loved its honesty. Its how I'm feeling...

If I could do it over...

I would have lectured less and listened more.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cherished every silly story & wide-eyed wonder.

I would have had more patience & self control.

I would have chosen gentleness & words seasoned with grace.

I would have taken every opportunity to hold my child close.

 

I would have let the dishes wait a moment, when my child wanted to share something important to them.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been many more "I love you's" and "I'm sorry's"

I would have never let them be on the receiving end of frustration or anger

I would have let my child know, every single day, that they mean the world to me. That my heart is so full because they have a home there & that I am blessed & so grateful that God gave them to me.

. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute . . .
look at it and really see it . . . and never give it back.”  

I see Fin growing up faster than I am comfortable with. I know that feeling in me will never change. He was our miracle. He was the greatest gift I have ever been given. To entrust a little life into hands that all to often don't realize what it is they are holding.

I have the chance now to change the "would have's" into "I will's".

While I still can.

Five Minute Friday- Perspective

Its Friday Morning and I saw this idea on the Gypsy Mama blog. Although, I am not doing exactly the same challenge (linking to friends etc..), I thought it would be a fun idea.
Here's what to do:
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Comment if you do one too, so I can read yours! :)

Here we go! Starting the clock...

 Cuddles. I don't get many. My boy is on the move from early morning till he crashes at night. And forced cuddles just aren't the same. Its funny how the best part of when your child is sick, is that they are cuddly. I waited a long time to get those snuggles, and so if there is a moment (literally, a moment) where he wants to hug, kiss, snuggle, hold my hand, touch my face, anything, my whole world comes to a halt! Laundry, dishes, emails, packing & organizing can wait. NOTHING compares to having those chubby little hands around my neck and having his cheek smooshed against mine. I get butterflies in my stomach a lot when I think about loving him. He is such a cool kid. I love watching him get a personality, love music & reading (just like his Mommy & Daddy) and get his own sense of style. This usually consists of gumboots, a backwards hat & a guitar. He is also getting very curious. This leads to mischief. Yesterday, he decide to draw circles (i know they were circles because he told me after) on our bedroom wall with a pencil (thank goodness!) What a kid! I need to cherish these things more, I think. One day, I will look beside me and see a grown boy, and this time will be over. So, grubby hands & all, i wouldn't trade this for anything!

from then to now

its funny how life experiences change the dreams you once had. the things you were sure you would do or have take a back seat or get tossed completely. its hard for me to write this. harder than i thought it would be.
when i had Fin, the birth was nothing that i had planned. in my head i had pictured a natural birth, surrounded by my family as he was placed on my chest & we would weep, laugh, snuggle him & fall in love. instead, the birth was full of intervention, ending in a c-section after 17+ hours. and though i really did feel strength from God throughout the labor, by the time he was born, I couldn't keep my eyes open because of exhaustion & when i finally met him, even though it was amazing, something was grieving in me. this isn't what i had planned. i thought it would be different. i wanted the fairytale.
i can't say for sure if this triggered the postpartum depression or not, but to say i struggled would be an understatement. i battled. i'm battling still. fear, anxiety, terror, depression... i feel alone in a room of close friends. i can't understand why, after wanting a baby for 10 years (well, my whole life really), why I can get so, so sad. after about six weeks, the weepiness subsided, but the rest is still so, very present. i don't know why God has chosen me to walk this road. i don't understand why most days. but, i'm trying to rest in the promise that He isn't through making something beautiful in me. the natural question for people to ask once you have one baby is 'when will you have more?' to be very vulnerable & transparent, the thought of that right now absolutely terrifies me. of course my heart is to have more someday, but fear of this cycle repeating itself is all i feel most times i'm asked. this is how it is. i know that someday it will be different. i know that as time passes & i grow up in God, i will find these things wane. i want to see joy in every situation, instead of the sorrow or fear. i want to live alive.

Not a Christmas post really

Lately, I have been overwhelmed by the amazing grace & unconditional love of God. When I say overwhelmed, I really mean that. Overwhelmed to the point of weeping anywhere at any time. I have been so aware of my need of Him. Seeing in myself what others (other than my unbelievably faithful husband) maybe never see. The side that is spiteful, angry, out of control, fearful, selfish, un-disciplined & very, very weak. I don't feel victorious most days. I don't feel like an overcomer either. But, the greatest, most incredible thing about the love of God is that our victory is NEVER based on our feeling. I am not an overcomer because I have done anything to overcome. He has done it all. He has made me worthy in his Son.
When I look around at all that He has given me, I can't believe it. I have a husband who loves me and leads me gently into the arms of Jesus. I have a son, a miracle who was such a precious gift that we thought we would never receive. When I look at my family, my friends, my home...all that I have is because I have a Father who loves me, in spite of me. I have done nothing and can never do anything to receive it. He has given freely the very best to lavish on us, who are so undeserving. He is extravagant, abundant, generous, abounding, & sufficient!
This Christmas, and always, I hope more than ever, that you know how much you are loved by God. Just as you are.

"For I am persuaded beyond doubt that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39