Have you ever thought that you wanted something so bad that you thought you would die if you couldn't have it. Or that you were somehow overlooked.

Thats how I've been most of my marriage. I thought that if I didn't get pregnant that somehow I would cease to exist. That the right of passage into real womanhood was conceiving and having a perfect little family!

I was very, very wrong.

This is one of the most difficult posts I have ever written.

I'm struggling even now to put words together.

Please bear with me....

I have been selfish & completely consumed with getting my own way. I have shook my fist at God so many times, that I am embarrassed to put a number down. I have walked around with the attitude that somehow God owed me something. And then when it didn't happen, I searched every part of my life to find the thing that God was punishing me for. I have become severely insecure about having a baby. I have grieved at others joy. I have felt jealousy, anger, bitterness & hopelessness. I have walked around in this little bubble and caused all who love me to feel they need to walk with trepidation for fear of me becoming a hysterical mess. I have cared more about my own feelings, than of everyones around me.

I am ashamed.

I am so sorry to you who've treaded lightly in telling me or not rejoiced in front of me because of being pregnant or wanting a baby.
I am so sorry to you who've come to encourage me, and I have secretly been offended with you.
I am so sorry that I have held resentment against so many people who have just wanted to love me through this time.

"...all things work together for good."

We are walking through a dark, lonely, & frightening valley right now that is infinitely harder than infertility has ever been. It seems to choke the life from our bodies, to suck the air from our lungs & when we begin to stand, it beats us within an inch of death. God has a plan, but right now, we cannot see it.

"...faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Today I told God (more than once), 'I would give up my womb forever if you would....'

But, again, my view of God is wrong. Maybe somehow I can make a sacrafice that would make Him change His mind?

I am, because He is! He is the God of promises, of miracles! He is the God who is faithful when I am not, forgives when I don't, heals when I don't deserve it & made the only sacrafice that was needed. I am whole, not because I may someday be a mother, not because I can gain His acceptance and be shown favor because of my great achievements. Not because I have anything worth saving, but because I am HIS! He has rescued me from the grave. He has adopted me, redeemed me, changed me & transformed me!

But He is also the God of the valley. He is the God who refines with fire. He crushes so that fragrance will come. When I came to Him, He promised to not leave me the way I was. And now, I question His work.

"...Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?' "

I don't know why its so hard to trust Him. You'd think surrendering to an omnipotent, omniscient God would be easier. Yet, here I am with a death grip on the reins.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers,
They will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze...For I am the LORD, your God"

I can walk wherever He leads. Not because I have what it takes. But because He is all I need!

Even as I wrote this, a verse that a beautiful friend shared with us rang again in my heart,

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."-1 Corinthians 4:18

Thanks for reading, thanks for loving me through my ups and downs, through my craziness, valleys & mountain tops. And most of all, thanks for pointing me to the One who gets me better than anyone!

Early Gifts

I have received a few presents already...and I wanted to share them...


From the Penner Family....the coolest book of lists...that you fill in yourself....kind of like a diary in list form...and for anyone who knows me, this is the coolest thing ever.


From Sarena...which made me cry...the first line of the book...."Once upon a time there was a kangaroo with an empty pouch" ...you can imagine the rest...its beautiful!


And my doula bag arrived in the mail...complete with "Doula" monogrammed on the pocket...I will take a picture of the bag soon...I'm filling it slowly with all my good stuff! :)

Thank you girls for the gifts....they were a blessing! Love you!

Just wondering....

Is it possible to be ecstatic and devastated at the same time? If it is, then I am.

Wowee

I have been eating

(no wheat, barley, rye or oats)
for almost 3 mths.
Now, this has not been completely faithfully (sometimes by choice, sometimes by accident), because its super hard to change to that lifestyle. But I would say for the most part it has been gluten free.

Whenever I used to stand on the

I would feel like this...

But more and more I feel like this...

Cause I've lost 16 lbs. already!!!! This is crazy because it hasn't been a huge change in portions, but just taking out what my body really didn't like, has made it respond VERY WELL!!!! (And I don't have to memorize the fastest route to the bathroom at every destination!!!)

For your viewing pleasure ;) ...this is a 16 lb. Turkey!!!!
I've lost an entire turkey!!


Being a life-saving change, it has been much easier than saying, 'NO MORE SWEETS!' or 'NO WHITE SUGAR!' (not that those things aren't a good idea, but are so hard to stick to).



Info:
Celiac disease or Gluten Allergy/Intolerance is a digestive disease that damages the small intestine and interferes with absorption of nutrients from food. People who have celiac disease cannot tolerate gluten, a protein in wheat, rye, and barley and occasionally oat. Gluten is found mainly in foods but may also be found in everyday products such as medicines, vitamins, and lip balms. When people with celiac disease eat foods or use products containing gluten, their immune system responds by damaging or destroying villi—the tiny, fingerlike protrusions lining the small intestine. Villi normally allow nutrients from food to be absorbed through the walls of the small intestine into the bloodstream. Without healthy villi, a person becomes malnourished, no matter how much food one eats. Celiac disease is both a disease of malabsorption—meaning nutrients are not absorbed properly—and an abnormal immune reaction to gluten. Celiac disease is also known as celiac sprue, nontropical sprue, and gluten-sensitive enteropathy. Celiac disease is genetic, meaning it runs in families. Sometimes the disease is triggered—or becomes active for the first time—after surgery, pregnancy, childbirth, viral infection, or severe emotional stress.

Symptoms of Celiac Disease and/or Gluten Allergy:

• abdominal bloating and pain
• chronic diarrhea
• vomiting
• constipation
• pale, foul-smelling, or fatty stool
• weight loss or gain
• unexplained iron-deficiency anemia
• fatigue
• bone or joint pain
• arthritis
• bone loss or osteoporosis
• depression or anxiety
• tingling numbness in the hands and feet
• seizures
• missed menstrual periods
• infertility or recurrent miscarriage
• canker sores inside the mouth
• an itchy skin rash called dermatitis herpetiformis

Christmas is almost here!!!

Well, its officially after Nov.11th, so that means we can talk about all things Christmas!
Things I am looking forward to....


Mandarin Oranges & Eggnog (though not together)


Reading this and watching this with my family


Giving gifts!! I DO get excited about receiving them, but I seriously get butterflies when I give a gift to someone, when its that extra special gift!


Curling up & Reading by the fireplace!


Playing games with friends & family!


Laughing...ok, I know I do this a lot anyway, but at Christmas, its even better;)


Decorating & Baking!

Wish List

This is the gift I just ordered for myself!! It is the "Lands End Do-It-All Diaper Bag"! No, I'm not pregnant, but I wanted a very functional bag for when I start my doula duties..lol! There is a lot of stuff that I want to be able to fit in there, so I'm really excited! And this is the best one for the price! And I'm even getting it monogrammed!! YESS!!!!!

Misc.:

Any color Amber Ring


Diamond Scrabble


'Grass' by the Gap (90's perfume that I LOVE)

Books:




Doula Tools & Accessories:

Lands End Do-it-all Diaper Bag (to carry all my gear)


Omni Massage Roller


Labor Links

This is mostly for Mark (to help with ideas)

20 years ago:
1. I moved to Terrace & was absolutely devastated to leave my best friend, Kristin.
2. Was a tom boy in every respect...bmx, tree climbing, mostly all boy friends (and no boyfriends...lol)
3. Lived in Prince George (my birthplace) and had a 1 yr. miracle baby sister!

10 years ago:
1. I went on a trip to Africa...which was incredible!
2. I spent the summer mostly with Sirena
3. I met Mark and my life changed forever!

5 years ago:
1. I miscarried.
2. I babysat a beautiful little girl
3. Lived in a 3 bdr. house with an caterpillar infested tree in the front yard, that made for hilarious viewing when visitors came to the house (imagine full body flailing & yelping...awesome!)

3 years ago:
1. I started Blogging
2. We had a crazy-fun ladies retreat....Carmen & Christy: "You take care!!"
3. We went to Disneyland!

1 year ago:
1. I decided that I absolutely was going to be a doula!
2. We had a lot of fun with the Wiebes & a shop-vac at Christmas.
3. We got the internet.

So far this year:
1. God has taken me through the fire, faithfully refining me.
2. I began the reading for my course, beginning with Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn...Wow!!
3. I travelled to Montreal & Toronto and had an amazing time!

Yesterday I:
1. Kept packing & had a meeting & got a massage!
2. Made about 4 or 5 lists.
3. Had 'Cheers' song stuck in my head

Today I:
1. Went to church and spent time with some of my favorite people!
2. Went for lunch with friends & then went to a prayer meeting.
3. Finished Packing, Watched 'You've got Mail', and deep conditioned my hair.


Tomorrow I:
1. Will fly to Vancouver with great friends
2. Will share a hotel with those friends
3. Probably will laugh A LOT!

In the next year I:
1. Hopefully will complete my Birth Doula certificate and can go on to my Postpartum Doula.
2. Will pursue adoption
3. Want to trust God, grow in Faith, Believe in His promises, and see miracles!

Point Form Update

-I am going to be taking a break from
&
starting tomorrow until I get back from my course (October 9th). I need to hone my studying skills and I have TONS to read, so I want to make sure I do that well!!
I will still be checking my email every evening, so, if you need to contact me, you can through email.

-Only 17 more days till we go to see U2 and words can not contain my excitement!


-We might also see

vs.
if we can get tickets


-I am getting my hair done on Tuesday....cut & color...my hair is like straw right now!


-Mark and I started a website for our 10 yr. anniversary. Just a place where we can post ideas of what we want to do.
www.magee10years.blogspot.com
Now I know that we still have a ways to go (you can check the ticker on the website), but we are going to try and do everything from scratch. Its kind of a 'can-we-do-it?' challenge. So, we need lots of time!

-I hope you guys are well, loving the autumn & windiness (I AM!!!!) and I will be posting again after my course, with lots of fun stuff that has happened!!!

Love you!

Today, I buried my face in the carpet and cried my eyes out. I cried out of loss, desperation, gratitude, and worship. I spent a long time like that. Just crying. I formed very few words and yet God saw all the things that were in my heart.

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."- Romans 8:25-57

I knew I needed Him. I needed His heart. When I function on my own, I am bitter, broken & a huge mess. When I get a hold of Him, everything changes. I lean on His strength & it carries me.

"Passing through the Valley of Weeping, they make it a place of springs; the early rain also fills the pools with blessings. They go from strength to strength [increasing in victorious power]; until each of them appears before God in Zion" - Psalms 84:6

These are on repeat lately in my house:







He is infinitely greater than we can ever imagine. His love for us is beyond any on this earth. And that love is something I want to know for my whole life!

Well, I know its been only one day, but I've changed my mind.

The main reason I have a blog is to encourage people. Whether its through sharing my pain, chaos & craziness of life, or through the hope, joy & purpose that I've found in my journey.
The last little while, I've lost sight of that. This summer has been packed full of hard circumstances. Fall outs with friends, false accusations, attacks on everything & everyone I value. It made me want to retreat and hide and keep my life very sacred and private.
But then today, I got a message that said I am a hope, comfort & inspiration to someone. ME??!!! That makes this all worth it. My life IS on display, whether I like it or not. I can, if I want to, hide it away or I can let it be on display. All the raw, uncut, human aspects of it. If God can use the jumbled heap of my life to speak to someone that they are not alone, then all of it is worth sharing...to anyone who may stumble across it!

The Time has Come...

Well, Alas, the time has come to take my blog private. Circumstances have occurred that make it necessary. If you are a reader of this blog, please let me know through email or facebook. It will remain public for a couple more weeks so that all readers can see this post. Then, you will have to be on my list & signed into your google account to read. Sorry for the inconvenience this may cause, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!

These lines can often be found on our mirror:
'Today I choose to follow you
Today I choose to gi ve my'yes' to u
Today I choose tyo hear your voice and live
Today I choose to follow you

This one is my favorite song of ALL time..it has been my theme song since the first time I heard it:

Following Clover's Lead:

I Am
29, in love, forgiven

I Want
a home of our own

I Have
an incredible husband

I Wish
I was a mommy

I Hate
that Starla is leaving me...again (I'm selfish, I know)

I Fear
most things

I Hear
God's voice through my 4:12's :)

I Search
for old books at the thrift store regularly

I Wonder
what God has in store for me

I Regret
allowing myself to fear man

I Love
that my salvation has nothing to do with my worth

I Ache
for friends who have given up

I Always
close my eyes and take a huge breathe when its windy....I LOVE IT!

I Usually
talk to Christy daily

I Am Not
impressed that one of my best friends is leaving me....did I mention that?

I Dance
goofy almost every day

I Sing
myself to sleep when I'm scared

I Never
want to get to the place where I think I can do it on my own

I Rarely
go through a day where I don't think of the faithfulness of God

I Cry
when I think about going to U2 (imagine me at the concert...OY!)

I Am Not Always
the best friend I could be

I Lose
sight of my destiny pretty easily

I'm Confused
when I replay certain situations in my mind

I Need
a kleenex (i'm sick while writing this)

I Should
go to bed now, but every time I lay down I get the dry cough

I Dream
about grizzlies all the time

Thanks to you

Wow...I am so grateful for all the encouragement that you all have given me the last couple days.
Its hard when you want to pour out all the contents of your heart but don't want to make matters worse. So, you bury it deep and it festers. Just being able to share that little bit, helped heaps! And, I feel like I can carry on. Mark & I were talking about this situation, and I shared that one of my greatest fears is that people will wrongly judge me or think that I am something that I'm not because of it. And so fear crept its way in and I placed myself in a cage again. One thing that Mark said to me last night is that my true friends, the friends that really love me are the ones who will deal with my failings and believe the best about me in spite of it.
That was a huge weight lifted off me. Sometimes it takes others to put it in perspective.

Thank you again for your words! They were like a healing salve to me. :)

-I am hurting
-I am angry
-I hate feeling this way
-I want to scream
-I want to hide
-I want to become a recluse and never give my heart to anyone who could break it
-I know that this is nothing compared to what my Savior went through in my place
-I will suck it up, love anyways, and forgive even when people don't ask for it.
-I will smile...soon!

Happy Birthday Leah!

My Baby Sister is 22 today!
She is the first miracle I ever witnessed. My mom lost 6 babies between Leah and I, as well as had her appendix removed while she was 4 months pregnant. The fact that she is in my life still amazes me! We have walked through so much and I couldn't ask for a better sister!
I love you so much, Lolee!

20 things....

When you have no time to blog, this is what to do...write it in point form to get the main things out there. Works for me!

1. Sending my registration today for my course (yahoo!!! )
2. Loving our new furniture! Thanks to Marks Dad & The Henschels!
3. Working on a new schedule
4. Praying for a miracle...well a few actually.
5. Missing friends.
6. Hurting from sleeping wrong...yet again.
7. Wishing I could go on a real holiday with Mark. Somewhere tropical or Disney-ish.
8. Hoping I can get all my pre-reading done before my course.
9. Dancing with Mark every chance I get.
10. Cooking Gluten Free...and its yummier than expected!
11. Watching Food TV! I can't get enough!
12. Reading 'Where the River Ends' and 'Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn'
13. Writing Music again....its been a long while.
14. Wrapping presents for my sisters birthday...she is almost 22!!!
15. Wanting to buy a house....but the though of it terrifies me!
16. Organizing my life, one giant pile of stuff at a time!
17. Planning my year, and wondering how to do it all.
18. Seeing my life through His eyes.
19. Trying to be me, not everyone else I want to be!
20. Keeping my eyes on Jesus while failing, falling, and flailing through life!

"Obedience to the call of Christ nearly always costs everything to two people- the one who is called, and the one who loves that one."

This year has been full of alot of joy, but also a lot of hardship. If I didn't have Mark, I don't know what I'd do. He reminds me that God is my defender. He is an incredible encouragement. He knows how to lift me out of negativity and show me the Truth about my situation and who I am. There have been some things I've been walking through and God's Word has been a continual comfort to me:

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."- Romans 5:1

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed."- Romans 8:17-19

Its a journey to come to the place where I can embrace sufferings. I know you know how I feel.
It is never easy to say, 'Bring on the pain!'...in any area. But when we can get to that place, I have a feeling that we'll see great things!!

Introducing....

Ryder David
my brand new nephew!!!
Sunday, August 30th, 2009
8 lbs 3oz.



and we LOVE him already!!

Congrats to Dave & Mandi

This is David as a baby: