Five Minute Friday- Perspective

Its Friday Morning and I saw this idea on the Gypsy Mama blog. Although, I am not doing exactly the same challenge (linking to friends etc..), I thought it would be a fun idea.
Here's what to do:
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Comment if you do one too, so I can read yours! :)

Here we go! Starting the clock...

 Cuddles. I don't get many. My boy is on the move from early morning till he crashes at night. And forced cuddles just aren't the same. Its funny how the best part of when your child is sick, is that they are cuddly. I waited a long time to get those snuggles, and so if there is a moment (literally, a moment) where he wants to hug, kiss, snuggle, hold my hand, touch my face, anything, my whole world comes to a halt! Laundry, dishes, emails, packing & organizing can wait. NOTHING compares to having those chubby little hands around my neck and having his cheek smooshed against mine. I get butterflies in my stomach a lot when I think about loving him. He is such a cool kid. I love watching him get a personality, love music & reading (just like his Mommy & Daddy) and get his own sense of style. This usually consists of gumboots, a backwards hat & a guitar. He is also getting very curious. This leads to mischief. Yesterday, he decide to draw circles (i know they were circles because he told me after) on our bedroom wall with a pencil (thank goodness!) What a kid! I need to cherish these things more, I think. One day, I will look beside me and see a grown boy, and this time will be over. So, grubby hands & all, i wouldn't trade this for anything!

from then to now

its funny how life experiences change the dreams you once had. the things you were sure you would do or have take a back seat or get tossed completely. its hard for me to write this. harder than i thought it would be.
when i had Fin, the birth was nothing that i had planned. in my head i had pictured a natural birth, surrounded by my family as he was placed on my chest & we would weep, laugh, snuggle him & fall in love. instead, the birth was full of intervention, ending in a c-section after 17+ hours. and though i really did feel strength from God throughout the labor, by the time he was born, I couldn't keep my eyes open because of exhaustion & when i finally met him, even though it was amazing, something was grieving in me. this isn't what i had planned. i thought it would be different. i wanted the fairytale.
i can't say for sure if this triggered the postpartum depression or not, but to say i struggled would be an understatement. i battled. i'm battling still. fear, anxiety, terror, depression... i feel alone in a room of close friends. i can't understand why, after wanting a baby for 10 years (well, my whole life really), why I can get so, so sad. after about six weeks, the weepiness subsided, but the rest is still so, very present. i don't know why God has chosen me to walk this road. i don't understand why most days. but, i'm trying to rest in the promise that He isn't through making something beautiful in me. the natural question for people to ask once you have one baby is 'when will you have more?' to be very vulnerable & transparent, the thought of that right now absolutely terrifies me. of course my heart is to have more someday, but fear of this cycle repeating itself is all i feel most times i'm asked. this is how it is. i know that someday it will be different. i know that as time passes & i grow up in God, i will find these things wane. i want to see joy in every situation, instead of the sorrow or fear. i want to live alive.