Mar. 12, 2012

from then to now


its funny how life experiences change the dreams you once had. the things you were sure you would do or have take a back seat or get tossed completely. its hard for me to write this. harder than i thought it would be.
when i had Fin, the birth was nothing that i had planned. in my head i had pictured a natural birth, surrounded by my family as he was placed on my chest & we would weep, laugh, snuggle him & fall in love. instead, the birth was full of intervention, ending in a c-section after 17+ hours. and though i really did feel strength from God throughout the labor, by the time he was born, I couldn't keep my eyes open because of exhaustion & when i finally met him, even though it was amazing, something was grieving in me. this isn't what i had planned. i thought it would be different. i wanted the fairytale.
i can't say for sure if this triggered the postpartum depression or not, but to say i struggled would be an understatement. i battled. i'm battling still. fear, anxiety, terror, depression... i feel alone in a room of close friends. i can't understand why, after wanting a baby for 10 years (well, my whole life really), why I can get so, so sad. after about six weeks, the weepiness subsided, but the rest is still so, very present. i don't know why God has chosen me to walk this road. i don't understand why most days. but, i'm trying to rest in the promise that He isn't through making something beautiful in me. the natural question for people to ask once you have one baby is 'when will you have more?' to be very vulnerable & transparent, the thought of that right now absolutely terrifies me. of course my heart is to have more someday, but fear of this cycle repeating itself is all i feel most times i'm asked. this is how it is. i know that someday it will be different. i know that as time passes & i grow up in God, i will find these things wane. i want to see joy in every situation, instead of the sorrow or fear. i want to live alive.