Not one more second...

Last night, I had a moment. Well, several to be really honest.
And because since there is no better outlet than a blog to make a declaration, here it is...

I fear man! (not the 'male' race, just to be clear)

I worry what people think of me.
I go over conversations & encounters over & over in my head, dissecting every word or gesture,
thinking that the other person hates me or believes the worst about me.
I have very low self esteem when it comes to others.
I'm my own worst critic, because I figure others will judge me, so I might as well be way harder than they might be.

And because of this, I have wasted years & years crippled by this fear.
I doubt friendships & put a label on myself of unworthy or failure.
I don't step out when I feel God speaking to me.
I hide my face when I know He is calling.

When Jesus saved me, He saved completely
When He healed me, He healed completely
When He restored, He restored completely

When God sent his only Son, to die in my place, so that I would never have to face the judgement of my sin, He didn't do that partially.
He said, 'It is finished' meaning, that the grip of death was no longer on me.
I AM FREE!!

And it is up to me to walk in that freedom.
I had this picture in my head of Jordie when he broke his arm. After he had his cast removed, he still carried his arm in the position it was when the cast was on. Even though his break was healed, he wouldn't use his healed arm.
When a bird that was caged for his entire life is set free, it will often fly back into the cage because its familiar & safe.

This is how I have been with my life. God has given me freedom & with that freedom He has declared my worth & my identity. So why do I run back to the cage?
Because its what I know.
The thought of walking free is terrifying.
To really have the chains cut off & to be liberated from the cage forever is the unknown! The unknown is scary. The unknown is what we can't see.
Faith is also believing in what we can't see.
Is Faith the absense of Doubt? I don't believe it is.
I believe that Doubt pushes us to Christ.
Situations when I doubt the approval of man, God wants me to run to Him and find my security there!
If you have seen the Narnia movies, you will have heard the line that resonates in my heart,
"He is not a tame lion, but he is good!"

God did not promise us that we wouldn't hurt. He never gave the promise that when we came to Him, all pain would leave us & we would never be wounded again.
This has been my misconception.
Throughout the Bible, the one disease that is mentioned many, many times is leprosy.
Last night, someone read the scripture '..and he healed their leprosy'
Reading Paul Brandts Book, 'The Gift of Pain' I have found that leprosy was not what everyone thought it was. It is a deadening of nerves, so that people cannot feel anything...including pain.
It results in people burning their hands, cutting their feet or similar things like this. Infection sets in & you have deformed hands and feet as fingers, toes, even whole legs are lost because a person could not feel pain.

God knew what leprosy was. He knew that it was the loss of the ability to feel.
And He healed their leprosy! He gave them back their ability to feel pain. Was it because He is a tyrant and He looks down at the ones He created & finds joy in them suffering???
NO!
Its because He is a loving God, who knew from the beginning that pain would bring us to Him!
He knew that we must feel pain. It is part of life. Its ok to hurt.
Whats not ok, is to let the hurt control us.

This is what I have done.
I have held to offense. I've gripped my hurt tightly, refusing to let go.
And what have I become?
Broken & Useless.

But I will not waste one more second.
He saved me, healed me & restored me completely.
I feel pain because He designed me that way.
And everytime I hurt, I will go to Him, because He made me for Himself.
And I will be secure in His arms.
And I will leave this cage & never return!!!