Have you ever thought that you wanted something so bad that you thought you would die if you couldn't have it. Or that you were somehow overlooked.

Thats how I've been most of my marriage. I thought that if I didn't get pregnant that somehow I would cease to exist. That the right of passage into real womanhood was conceiving and having a perfect little family!

I was very, very wrong.

This is one of the most difficult posts I have ever written.

I'm struggling even now to put words together.

Please bear with me....

I have been selfish & completely consumed with getting my own way. I have shook my fist at God so many times, that I am embarrassed to put a number down. I have walked around with the attitude that somehow God owed me something. And then when it didn't happen, I searched every part of my life to find the thing that God was punishing me for. I have become severely insecure about having a baby. I have grieved at others joy. I have felt jealousy, anger, bitterness & hopelessness. I have walked around in this little bubble and caused all who love me to feel they need to walk with trepidation for fear of me becoming a hysterical mess. I have cared more about my own feelings, than of everyones around me.

I am ashamed.

I am so sorry to you who've treaded lightly in telling me or not rejoiced in front of me because of being pregnant or wanting a baby.
I am so sorry to you who've come to encourage me, and I have secretly been offended with you.
I am so sorry that I have held resentment against so many people who have just wanted to love me through this time.

"...all things work together for good."

We are walking through a dark, lonely, & frightening valley right now that is infinitely harder than infertility has ever been. It seems to choke the life from our bodies, to suck the air from our lungs & when we begin to stand, it beats us within an inch of death. God has a plan, but right now, we cannot see it.

"...faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Today I told God (more than once), 'I would give up my womb forever if you would....'

But, again, my view of God is wrong. Maybe somehow I can make a sacrafice that would make Him change His mind?

I am, because He is! He is the God of promises, of miracles! He is the God who is faithful when I am not, forgives when I don't, heals when I don't deserve it & made the only sacrafice that was needed. I am whole, not because I may someday be a mother, not because I can gain His acceptance and be shown favor because of my great achievements. Not because I have anything worth saving, but because I am HIS! He has rescued me from the grave. He has adopted me, redeemed me, changed me & transformed me!

But He is also the God of the valley. He is the God who refines with fire. He crushes so that fragrance will come. When I came to Him, He promised to not leave me the way I was. And now, I question His work.

"...Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?' "

I don't know why its so hard to trust Him. You'd think surrendering to an omnipotent, omniscient God would be easier. Yet, here I am with a death grip on the reins.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers,
They will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze...For I am the LORD, your God"

I can walk wherever He leads. Not because I have what it takes. But because He is all I need!

Even as I wrote this, a verse that a beautiful friend shared with us rang again in my heart,

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."-1 Corinthians 4:18

Thanks for reading, thanks for loving me through my ups and downs, through my craziness, valleys & mountain tops. And most of all, thanks for pointing me to the One who gets me better than anyone!